The Four Goals of Misbehavior

To Gain Undue Attention

To Seek Power

To Get Revenge

To Display Inadequacy

What do I do when a student/peer misbehaves?

Attention: Never give attention on demand, even for useful behavior. Help young people become self-motivated. Give attention in ways they do not expect. Catch them being good.
Power: Withdraw from the conflict. Let the consequences of a student’s behavior occur. Win their cooperation by enlisting their help.
Revenge: Avoid feeling hurt. Don’t get hooked into seeking your own revenge. Instead, work to build a trusting relationship. Look for win-win situations.
Display of Inadequacy: Don’t give up! Avoid criticism and pity. Encourage any positive effort you can!

Questions to ask youth who misbehave:

What are you doing?
Is that helping you?
Is that against the rules?
What will you do ^–to change that?

Teachers are now working on assimilating this knowledge into their strategies for helping children learn. While it is too early to tell all the ramifications for this research, it is clear that the day is past where educators teach the text book and it is the dawn of educators teaching each child according to their orientation to the world.

Dealing With Disruptive Behavior

In assessing the actions of young adolescents it is important to make a distinction between “disturbing” and “disturbed” behavior. Disturbing behaviors are those actions that may drive adults crazy, but are completely normal and age-appropriate for the adolescent. Examples of such behaviors include music played at full volume, unusual hairstyles, the need to be “attached” to the telephone and in constant contact with friends, staying in their room for hours, traveling in “packs”, seemingly instant shifts in moods for no apparent reason, and hours spent in front of the bathroom mirror. Do these behaviors sometimes push the limits of adult patience and understanding? Sure. but they are normal ‘and even necessary for healthy development of young adolescents.

Disturbed behaviors are actions which are not typical of the age and may be indicative of a more serious problem. Examples of such behavior include significant withdrawal from peer relationships, extreme mood swings that are prolonged in nature, or a sudden and total lack of interest in appearance. These behaviors could prevent healthy development and may need professional guidance. If you have concerns about extreme behavior of a young adolescent, consult your pastor and/or a professional adolescent counselor in your area for advice.

So, how do we respond appropriately when we encounter disruptive behavior with young adolescents, and what tools might we use to manage the interactions of the youth with whom we work? Traditionally, the systems developed to deal with disruptive behavior have been based on negative assumptions and focused on control, order and conformity. Not only do these do little to address the underlying attitudes and conditions, but they are certainly not pastoral in nature! Purkey and Strahan, in their publication Positive Discipline: A Pocketful of Ideas suggest we shift the paradigm to a different set of assumptions with a positive viewpoint. They propose that we guide growth of young adolescents not by repression and manipulation, but rather by meaningful experiences and caring relationships. Sounds a lot like effective ministry to me!

Strategies for Positive Discipline

Sense the Mood. Pay attention to the mood of the group, and avoid discipline problems before they happen, by such means as moving toward the source of misbehavior, lowering your voice, or shifting to a more interesting or energizing activity.

Be Patient and Persistent. Creating positive group discipline happens over time, not overnight! Adults who consistently and dependably invite positive discipline will be effective in influencing the behavior choices of young adolescents.

Create a Refueling Station. Establish a “memory” file for notes, photos, gifts. letters, evaluations, or positive comments that you have received from young adolescents and parents. When you begin to feel “burned out” or down. go to the file to restore and re-motivate your spirits. Create a way to remember the good times and growth you have enabled among the young adolescents with whom you work. You need to model and maintain a positive attitude and actions, and “You can’t give what you don’t got!”

Establish a “No Put-Down Patrol.” Establish an agreement that adults and youth will not put each other or themselves down, and everyone will be part of a “no put-down patrol.” When someone breaks the agreement, suggest they share a positive statement about the person they put down, even if it is themselves. Remember, this includes adults too. Be aware, this will not be easy since so much of media and our culture models put-down humor and interaction.

Affirm What’s Working. The cup is not half-empty, it’s half full! Focus on the positive and it will increase. Young adolescents behave better and learn more from feelings of accomplishment than feelings of failure, no matter how small.

Remember the “Jello Principle.” A group of young adolescents is like a giant bowl of Jello – if you touch it the whole thing jiggles, because everything is connected to everything else. So everything – the temperature, time of day, color of walls, setting of room, type of activity, etc. adds to or subtracts from positive behavior. No effort to make the atmosphere and activities inviting and interesting is wasted.

Keep Problems Simple and Response Focused. When a young adolescent is misbehaving, focus on the immediate problem in a calm and deliberate manner, and seek to avoid creating an angry exchange, drawn-out explanation or counter complaint which could lead to an escalation of conflict.

Use Subtle Cues. When trust relationships are established, a subtle hand gesture, clearing your throat, or a muttered “Uh!^– may get the message across that the behavior needs to change, while helping the offender save face.

Remember to Remember. One way to become more sensitive to young adolescents is to remember what it was like to be their age. What do you remember about being in a class or church program? Who were your friends and how did you want to interact with them? How were you treated by the leader and how did you feel? How did you behave and misbehave? What helped you choose positive behavior? What adults made you want to behave well, and why? However, take care to not “project” your life experiences onto the adolescents. Be aware that the world in which they live today is dramatically different than when you were young.

Be a Name-Dropper. When you want to focus a young person’s attention on the activity or discussion, use his or her name in the conversation. For example, “John. what do you think was the point of the story?” or “Karen, how do you feel about that decision?” This low-key approach encourages distracted youth to stay focused on the activity at hand.

Keep Cool and Take Time-Out. Avoid responding when angry or upset. When the pressure builds, let it out gradually before responding. Count to ten, or twenty if needed. Take a few deep breaths and exhale slowly. Or tell the group you need a two minute time-out so you do not explode, and then step into the hallway to re-focus, and say a short prayer for patience and guidance.

Promote Participation. Involve young adolescents in the discussion and decision making processes. Youth who are unable to have input on things that concern them soon become passive and lethargic. Youth, over time may become resentful and rebellious towards the people, policies and programs that prevent them from participating in decisions that influence their lives.

Laughter Can Be A Good Medicine. Humor can be an effective tool in diffusing volatile situations. However, never make fun of young people or laugh at them.

Make Exceptions for Circumstances. If the norm is that the room is cleaned before people leave, but youth are in the middle of a current craft project you may make an exception since projects are in a fragile state. Acknowledge the exception and the reason.

Do the Unexpected. Surprise an unruly group by doing something creative. If the group is having difficulty being quiet, tell them they can make as much noise as they wish for one-minute, and then time them. Keep them going until you call time. You will find that they will usually run out of noise and be ready to focus before the minute is passed.

As adults working with young adolescents, our primary concern ought to be promoting healthy adolescent development and positive behavior based on gospel values. As Christian leaders, we are called to witness to the gospel values of compassion, forgiveness and love. We must believe always in the goodness of those with whom we work. and trust in their capacity to learn positive behavior through meaningful experiences and caring relationships. Their actions at times maybe inappropriate, for like us. they are imperfect and always learning. But we must assure them that they continue to be invaluable as young people gifted by God and accepted by us.

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